SuperGirl @ 40 - Looking at Life with X-Ray Vision

Gasp

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:24:14 GMT

I dreamed of Steve last night. I was having a big party and he came. His wife wasn't with him but there were lots of other people around, and he and I sat and talked for a while. I don't remember what about. He told a few amusing stories and was his usual friendly self.

They say the dead can hear your thoughts when you think of them. He's been on my mind a lot lately.

Where Things Stand (the Weekly Wrap-Up)

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:20:25 GMT

This has been an intense week for becoming unstuck and resolving a few situations that have been causing me a lot of pain and frustration.

Obiwan told me many weeks ago that the energy would shift last Wednesday and move me forward. It didn't. It began shifting on Thursday. In several areas. I'm in a much more peaceful place today than I have been in months.

The Highly Personal that I'll Separate out from Everything Else Here: I have not written specifically about it here (people who know me well--and even people who just think they do--will try to fill in the blanks, and all but Shannon will be wrong.) A great wrong was done to me last year by someone who swore never to do me harm. I do not under any circumstances believe that it was done intentionally. In fact, the person who did so much damage does not even know the consternation that resulted from such actions. I have been working diligently to undo this harm but I've hindered myself with periodic bouts of anger. My emotions have run the gamut, and have put me back consistently in the middle of all that harm so that I have not been able to undo this damage. Yes, my own underlying feelings of rage, guilt, shame, and hatred have prevented me from getting what I wanted. But it's even more complex than that. My understanding of the harm done to me has been intertwined with my misplaced sense of responsibility to someone I despise but who is also in harm's way. This week, I let go of that responsibility, and with it, shortly thereafter, I felt the anger that's been secretly ruling me fade and vanish. I am finally no longer living in the midst of harm and am being successful in undoing it. It's very odd to me that forgiving one person and not holding that person responsible is so closely tied to relinquishing my own sense of responsibility to other people.

Work: You gotta love karma. Ten years ago, a co-worker sabotaged my career to make himself look good. This week, it became abundantly clear to everyone else what kind of person he is, how much he pretends to know, and just how unqualified he is for his 6-figure job.

House: I have been continuing to work on cleaning out old spaces in the house, re-organizing, re-painting, re-nesting. A lot of things I've been trying to organize are finally starting to fall into place. (Now if I can keep it that way after Aislinn gets back from Ft. Lauderdale!)

Romance: Honestly, still too busy with other things to think much on boys right now. Maybe next week, though. However, I am again enjoying my Tarot Table (left). It's a huge gold-framed picture frame that sits atop two garden pedestals and looks like a coffee table. I made it a year ago, with Brian and girls hanging out in the family room and watching...what were we watching then?...on TV. The Tarot cards from different old decks are all my fav things I'm manifesting (and have manifested), especially in regard to romance and serenity. I got distracted last fall and started letting things pile up on the table. All that's been cleared off now and I just need to dust it. I love this though.

Friends: I reconnected on Facebook with several more old friends, including ones I'd thought lost to me forever or ones I parted company with under not-good-circumstances (one thought I stood her up at our last get-together when I was actually in the ER). It's interesting to see now how they saw me then, and for all the changes I've made in my life, even when I was very constrained and oppressed, I was still (apparently) someone they considered very interesting and intense. Odd to have people I knew in my childhood tell me that after 40 years of meeting people and travelling around the world, that I'm the most unqiue person they've ever known. Odder still, a boy I knew when I was 14 has been in contact with me. He was a few years older, popular, good-looking, adorable, brilliant. I was quite sure he didn't know I existed, but he sought me out to tell me I was the most unique person he knew in high school. Weird. There's a strange consistency to my life amid all these changes.

Spirituality: During this intense period of working through some old issues, I've been listening to physicists, Eastern philosophers, LOA gurus, and...amazingly...several preachers. I've gotten to such a high level of insight that I've been giddy at times. Listening to sermons put me right back into how I felt about things and heard about things and the language I grew up with in the church--language that didn't mean a whole lot because it was taught by rote rather than by feeling. This week, I've been able to connect my current spiritual beliefs with some of my early Christian beliefs in a way that Christians would understand. It's like studying a language and translating in your mind and suddenly being able to think in that other language. Not that Christians would necessarily appreciate this insight, but I'm seeing my childhood religion in a different light. I doubt they will understand my new understanding, but this is about me, not them. I feel like I've discovered the Rosetta stone.

Projects: My writing and publishing projects are moving forward again. A website security issue had me on hold for weeks, but it's gone and I'm getting things done! More on that soon!

Summary: Things are smoothing out and healing, and I'm moving into the place I want to be. Moving forward. Watching my desires come to fruition. I'm not where I want to be yet, but it's coming and it will be here shortly.

Conclusions

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:46:52 GMT

I've spent several days thinking heavily about what I owe someone. Or don't.

I have had the opportunity to do something that might very likely save the life of someone I loathe. However, any action on my part will not be appreciated, no matter what good might come of it. In fact, it probably would fall on deaf ears as I don't think it would be believed, either.

I have struggled with this for some time now but most heavily over the past month, and I've finally come to a place where I can release this struggle. I have been through a half-dozen spiritual-based audiobooks in the last week that have been of help and have had a couple of long conversations with Maggie and Sharyn, without going into too much detail with them on the situation.

My natural inclination has always to be responsible, even when it's not my responsibility. That's my co-dependency talking. That's me taking responsibility for others instead of letting them take care of it themselves. I am content that this situation has not been anything I caused and is not my responsibility. I have committed no harm in this situation. It is this person who created the harm. The struggle has been whether I allow this person to step forward in that harm without doing anything to remove that harm, whether or not I'd be successful in trying.

But I'm content now. I will no longer put restrictions on myself out of some kind of misplaced guilt for not preventing a possible death anymore than I will cry myself to sleep every night because some idiot out there will one day likely plow into a light pole if he insists on going 150 mph every time he hits the Interstate.

What happens, happens. This was attracted by someone else, and that someone must deal with the repercussions.

It is not my problem.

It is not my business.

And for whatever reason, I feel the right words to end this is "So mote it be."

The 5 Things Lorna Challenge -- 7/01/09

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:47:03 GMT

So, again this week. My little positivity exercise. Five things in my environment that delight me and why. Here goes:

I found this little ceramic pyramid at a garage sale in late 2004.   I didn't have much money then and to entertain the girls, I took them out one Saturday morning with about $5 and we bought all sorts of things. This one was $2 and I was so drawn to it. It contains a small tea light, and I use it exclusively as my "unconditional love" candle. When the lights are out in the house and the candle is burning, its casts lovely images onto the ceiling. The porcelain baby doll represents a special baby in my life and my prayers that all will be well.

There's something about this faucet that I really, really love. It's sorta different and everyone who uses the "powder room" (as my ex-m-i-l called it) comments on how much they like it. I find it odd, but I really like to see the flow of water (which you don't with most faucets). Maybe this reminds me of something from my childhood...like...I don't know...drinking from a water hose on the farm.

Rain!  OMG, rain on the patio! I love the smell of rain after a drought or during a heatwave.

This triangular china cabinet (hard to tell from this angle) belonged to my mother's mother.    When I was 6 and she was dying of cancer, I spent a lot of time in her house, crawling around and hiding under her dining room table and playing with my imaginary friends. I was very impressed, even then, with this particular piece of furniture. When Granddaddy passed in 1995, there were a few of pieces of furniture he'd promised to me--the cedar chest, Grandma's chair, and this cabinet. (Those are Shannon's teapots, btw.) They're all extremely sentimental to me.

I bought this chunk of rose quartz years ago and it's remained a personal favorite as well as a favorite of my house guests. Some swear they can see cities and maps in the quartz. We used to use it in heart-based energy work in 2005.   It's heavy, maybe 3 pounds. The necklaces draped over them are actually 1. a Swarovski crystal chakra circlet I wear in circle sometimes and 2. an amethyst necklace Leah gave me for Yule.

Monday, the Evening Edition

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:07:39 GMT

While cleaning the office, I'm currently listening to an audiobook on healing, belief, and quantum physics (the 3rd this weekend of Greg Braden's). This is a big focus for me right now because next time I go back to my OB/GYN in September, I want an all-clear and to know that nothing's amiss and that I'm completely healed. Dr T said she needed to give things time to make sure. I do NOT want to repeat that little procedure from March every 3 to 6 months. I've not had any more symptoms and have a general sense of 2nd chakra health for the past 2 months. Unlike October through April when I HURT inside all the time. I am not a fan of being sick and I don't understand people who enjoy being ill.

I finally got rid of the "antique microwave" today. My ex bought it in 1983, before we married. It still works but the fact that it's older than most of the men I date finally did it for me. Out it goes. I have a smaller microwave--not sure how or why my ex bought it--but it's not really big enough for anything other than Healthy Choice. A good decent alternative for a little while longer, though.

I've decided that July will be money-diet month. I'm embracing one of Tim F's "intentional poverty" ideas, like the ones where he does a money-fast one week a month. I have a full freezer, so minimum groceries should do it.

I'm also finding all sorts of old computer and AV equipment in my cleanout that I'm sure I won't be using again. Off it goes to ebay!

I'm not completely done with the 2-room cleanout but it's close. It's very Bohemian with lots of purple curtains and tapestries. I do most of my work here, so I want it to be pleasant.

Monday, the Morning Edition

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:10:13 GMT

I have the day off, so I'm spending it cleaning up in the office. The house is clean (except for the girls' rooms) and looks great, so I'm hitting the office, exercise area, and maybe even the guest room where Shannon has furniture stored. Ooooh, and maybe even the part of the master bath that Aislinn's taken over. I'm actually looking forward to spending a day of cleaning and cleaning out. It's a rarity for me to have this kind of time and be in the mood to clean.

I do have some errands to run--I've sold some things on eBay recently, and have more to sell. Amazing that people want old computer parts, but hey, I'm good with that, and I need it to pay off repair bills. In my cleanup, I'm finding other things I can sell and the little extras I need to sell them, like the accompanying instructions and CD's.

To make the day go more smoothly, I am listening to some great audiobooks on quantum physics. I know--I'm a geek. But I love this stuff. The first one today is on what happened at the end of the last Great Cycle (think Mayan) and how the people then actually put info out there so that future generations would know how to handle the end of a Great Cycle. Lots of talk about cycles and how these are just much bigger cycles than we're used to, but how Nature is all about cycles and how we can look at the smaller ones to understand the bigger ones. To tell you the truth, it makes me very excited to be living at the end of a Great Cycle and the beginning of the new one in 2012.

True!

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:59:57 GMT

Once something is joined, it remains energetically connected, the physicist says, whether it remains physically linked or not. Even though geographically separated, he says, we are still holographically there with the other half of what was once intimately joined. The two halves of what was once a whole still react to the same patterns of the other, still are part of the other's movements and still (in my words) feel each other's feelings. The deeper the connection when joined, the stronger that connection remains, regardless of what other universes they each travel to or how much time passes or how much space comes between the two. Space, after all, is not truly empty--space is what keeps things from happening all at once. (which is really the Law of Perpetual Unfulfillment)

I'm still waiting for the part where he talks about two things joining energetically for the first time when they are geographically apart. I know that that can happen, too. Of course--unified field theory, yes.

I love it when science explains empathy.

And yeah, I've had a force field around me recently so that might explain my sense of disconnection among all this connection.

Interesting...

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:41:27 GMT

What I've been referring to as "energetic connections" and "deep empathy" is what quantum physicists call "quantum entanglement."

A Small Measure of Peace

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 05:17:08 GMT

The hang-up calls to my house have ceased. I haven't gotten a single one in the past 10 days.

Where Things Stand (the Weekly Wrap-Up)

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 03:32:05 GMT

Overall: The predominant energy of this past week (or two) seems to be about wrapping up some unfinished business from the past. Old friends and family have re-appeared, people have returned to me to seek information I wouldn't/couldn't give them before, some postponed spiritual activities have now been completed, and things that were broken are now being repaired. After the 4k repair bill this week (for things that have been worked on for most of May and June like rewiring part of the house, the well, the plumbing, etc), I'm still staggering and insisting on moving into a different mindset: instead of "finishing old business," I'm as of now starting to focus on "everything's in perfect working order"!

The sprinkler system is now working again. I did lose a couple of plants in the drought and ongoing heatwave but discovered I really love this plant--the gaura flower, which is an ornamental grass aka the wand flower. It definitely gives the yard a 3-dimensional look and is very hardy.    The well-driller made a couple of unusual fixes that saved me $7-800. He also discovered that since my house was built in '88 (and I've been here since late '93), the new well is the 4th or 5th dug here. Unlike the others, he drilled past the top 30 feet to the hard pan and down into the next level of water, which is plentiful.   In all my time here, I've never seen the sprinkler system this forceful or this high. I'm very happy with the results.

After the well-driller left, we got the outdoor lights finished up, too. My corner of the cul-de-sac doesn't have a streetlamp or any lighting, so this really helps regarding security. I've wanted this for many, many years. I think it looks very inviting and I love seeing this when I drive up.

Lovely reunions: While on my travels this week, I had an absolutely wonderful reunion with my nephew, and met his wife and my nieces for the first time. I have tons of photos now! His kids remind me so much of my own girls at those ages. My nephew is a few years younger than I am, and he was sorta like a kid brother to me because he spent so much time at my house, especially during the summers. The last time I saw him was June 1995 before he moved away. Obiwan had told me in our last reading that two girls were going to be coming into my life and there would be a special relationship there. Most definitely. My world expanded a bit, sweetly, with this reunion, and I'm very grateful for it. This was a piece of unfinished business that was very, very welcome.

Spiritual Stuff: I'm pleased to have a new Initiate this week.   I love seeing people open up to the possibilities once they get outside of their old patterns and structures. I'm looking forward to our next gathering. Meanwhile, the paranormal activity in my house has been HIGH. As in, with sightings. It's probably a good thing I'm not "visual" or I'd never get any sleep.

Friends: I'm worried about a few friends. The spouse of one of my Initiates is quite ill.   A close friend is quite sick herself and really nothing can be done but wait it out. Another dear friend is gearing up for divorce proceedings. The wife is currently giving the guy his third chance, but she's meanwhile making legal plans. Though it's not officially over, she--and really no one else who knows them--doesn't have any faith that his temporary probation will last longer than a couple of weeks. He swears he can make it work, but we all know it's over for them. I'm "there" meanwhile for my friend. A close friend who has been super-supportive of me for the last year is going through a hard time right now and I'm trying to give back as much support as she has for me. Other friends who have been enduring a lot of relationship drama seem to be better this week, and I'm happy about that.

Boys: I've made no effort at all to meet anyone new for several weeks now. Just too busy with all the drama that's been dropped on my doorstep, plus the house repairs. I'd considered asking Todd over once or twice, but he's out west fixing fighter jets. I did get invited to join a singles group from work, but I'm unsure. If I do, it'll be more because I enjoy the friendship of some of the women in it. If I don't, it's because some of the women in it tend to be needy and despondent because they don't have a man in their lives all the time and need help meeting guys. There's also an assumption that I need help, too, which I found amusing. We already do a regular Girls Night Out that I really enjoy, but I'm not sure I'm in the same headspace as the single women who want to go sit in a meat market and cast doe-eyed looks at balding drunks. I'm just sayin'....

Work: Life at the office has been okay this week, mainly because of the type of work I've been doing. One of my customer groups is a sheer pleasure to work with. They welcome my advice instead of letting ego get in the way. And it shows in their work. I've also had a lot of autonomy in dealing with them this week rather than being chained to my desk. I can't say that the job was pleasant this week, necessarily, but much smoother than usual. We're still waiting for news of who our next boss will be.

Projects: Mostly on-hold due to trips and various issues. It's sort of a Knight of Pents kind of energy--stuck in mud, not moving very fast, but the work that's being done is truly going to be grounded and solid.

Whee

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:41:27 GMT

I am having an amazing day! Wonderful trip!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Waiting....

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:45:23 GMT

...to see if my trip's on for tomorrow.

The 5 Things Lorna Challenge -- 6/24/09

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 17:46:22 GMT

So. Five things in my environment that delight me and why. Here goes:

My athame (dagger, to most of you). I can't even remember where I got it from, but I hid it when I told my ex I was leaving him. I'd been warned that you never know how someone will react when that kind of thing is announced, so it was best to hide it. Funny thing. I couldn't find it for several years. Then one day, I opened a chest that I'd gone through many times, and it was right there on top. I have several swords and blades but this one has always been very special to me. It both makes me smile and fills me with awe when I see it on the Main Altar.

When I was in college, I collected unicorns. At the time, they were VERY hard to find. True to my nature, I lost interest after they became plentiful (maybe that's a case for Unicorn Season?). I had just a couple of little unicorn statues and such when I found this one across the street from my apartment in college at a pricey gift shop where I couldn't afford to shop. I think it was $14 and I got it for $7? It held a special place in my apartment and even in my first house. Later, when Shannon was a small tot of maybe a year old, she wanted to play with the stuffed unicorn. I squirmed a little at such a precious possession from the past getting drooled on but let her play with it anyway. It soon became as precious to her as her "dinosaur blanket" that she took everywhere. Over the next couple of years, the unicorn got dragged through every imaginable situation, drooled on, stepped on, slept with, chewed on. By the time Shannon was done with the stuffed animal, it was pretty ratty looking. I rescued it from her closet when she went off to college and it now has a seat of honor in the living room. Oh, and the unicorn's name? Rossi. Because Shannon tried to name him "Horse-y" but was too little to form the word correctly.

This is the thistle panel form the church rail in the foyer. I found the church rail, complete with a spot for hymnals on top (or Tarot cards or stones now) about 4 years ago in an antique shop. I had no idea where to put it but had to have it. It buzzed with a beautiful energy. The rail had been cut in half to transport it from a church in Los Angeles to Florida. Before that, it had been in a church in Scotland in the 1800's.

The walls of the dining room are now covered with wonderful, happy family photos. I picked frames of different kinds of wood and photos that were family-oriented and joyful, whether posed or just snapshots.

ADDED: I created this wall last November. I was going through a difficult time emotionally, had been physically ill, and was trying to divert my attention to anything else but not able to get out of the house much. You know how when you put your hands to work on mundane chores, your mind goes crazy with thinking about stuff? I didn't want that. So I downloaded the entire TWILIGHT audiobook series and listened to most of NEW MOON while I was working on this wall. I identified a little too closely with Bella, for a change, and actually liked NEW MOON best of the series, I think. It took me from the beginning of the book until after Bella leaps off a cliff for me to finish this room. Hence, I look at the wall and remember Shannon's comments to me about not jumping off a cliff if I felt like doing anything dangerous. It makes me smile now.

When I had the floors replaced in the kitchen, I put down tile I liked and used a specialty tile as borders to the kitchen/breakfast area. I'd had the specialty tiles in a bin in the garage for years before I was able to used them and loved the look. Later, when I had the backsplash done in the kitchen and the foyer retiled, I intermingled more of these tiles with the others to connect the look. Something about this little design really pleases me, but I've never been able to settle on what.

Visual Stimulation (as Amy says)

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:25:22 GMT

Okay, here's the finished product!  Hmmm, I still have some pics to put up in the breakfast area, but this is more about the kitchen this time. Enjoy! (Click on the pic for a larger view)

My iPhone camera really doesn't capture the glow of the yellow as beautifully as it should. The hidden fluorescent bulbs flare behind the wine bottles instead of glowing softly as they do off-camera. The yellow unexpectedly brings out the undertones in the green tile, countertops, and wood cabinets. Some of the counter clutter will be gone as I switch off the landline. Those are my oils and herbs in the bookshelf area.   I love the mix of stone, wood, and metal in the kitchen. Yep, that's bottles of mead on the counter. Awaiting someone special to help me enjoy them. BUT...it may be time to get rid of the antique microwave....

My new favorite incense! Rosa Mystica. Got this and the Honey incense at a Gathering earlier this year. We burn so much incense that we just keep it out on the counter now as decoration, LOL.

Roses and hydrangeas from my garden. One of my favorite things is growing my own flowers and enjoying them both outside and inside my home. I'm not really into Waterford crystal--these were left over from my life as a banker's wife--but I've re-purposed them so I feel good about them now.   The candy dish (biscuit jar?) is actually full of chewable vitamins, not candy. Though my guests are likely to wonder if those are big sweet tarts! (Leah did.)

A little Solstice love? I don't even remember where I got this now, but it really called to me--and said, hey, put me in your kitchen cuz I'll match your cabinets!

Yay-ness

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:02:46 GMT

The girls are packing for Orlando and Ft Lauderdale and all is much calmer now around the house. I still have some files to finish tonight but I'm taking a break to do some clean-up work. I leave Thursday for my trip, yay! Very excited about this one.

(pics in the next post)

The fountain's wiring is finished and the outdoor lighting is almost finished. The well driller was delayed until tomorrow, so after that, we'll get the lighting finished up. At last!!!!!! Meanwhile, the plumber finished up today and the new toilet is in the master (mistress!) bathroom. House feels wonderful tonight, and that strong "Get your house ready!" wave of energy is overwhelming, but in a good way.

Shannon got another scholarship! This means that between her scholarships and her part-time jobs in high school, she has yet to spend any of the money set aside for her education--and she starts the fall semester as a senior in Psychology. She's working the crisis hotline over the summer as a volunteer and building her resume for grad school. I'm very proud of her.

Aislinn is also doing well right now, and her grades at the Collegiate High School were much better than at Niceville High. She's really flourishing at the new school. She now has 3 college classes under her belt and, at this rate, will get her 2-year college degree in 2 years when she gets her high school diploma. Things are really shaping up for her to pursue a career in hospitality management. She has a real gift for dealing with people at a more impersonal, social level whereas Shannon has a real gift for dealing with people at a more 1-to-1 level.

Ah, looks like my pics have uploaded. Next!

Fantastic Video -- Tarot Imagery that's a Must-See

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:31:56 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVy8kSUl520

I love this song, but the video is incredible.

"How long was I asleep..."
when did the sky turn black..
and the wheel goes round and round
and the flames in our souls,
it will never burn out
and the wheel goes round...."

Wow! Great Evening for Ritual Work

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 04:19:46 GMT

And so, at the turn of the longest day of the year into night, on this Summer Solstice--and quite possibly the hottest day of the year!--a fourth Initiate came to the Gate and was passed. He did a wonderful job with his contract with the Gods.

Of course, we might have gotten a little loud and the cross in the neighbor's window facing us was a little unexpected, but oh well.

I have that strange sense of contentment, pride in my Initiates (and gratitude for my helpers), and a mix of tremendous relaxation, exhaustion, and euphoria. Yep, buzzed. How am I gonna make it to work by dawn? Probably be up all night!

A couple of observations and funnies:

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle the ritual tonight...after an accident in the garage led to a cut foot and minor concussion and me on the cement for about 30 minutes. And then Shannon tried to help me and subsequently got shocked. I now have a big knot on my forehead but the headache stopped about the time people started showing up and I seem to be no worse for the wear. We had to delay this Initiation 2 months because I caught Todd's 48-hour virus back in April and there was no way I was going to delay it again.

I have a small pool (previously goldfish pool) in the patio area, with lovely water plants thriving in it and encircled with bricks and impatiens. Quite pretty. I've been passing it recently, thinking about the days years ago when the girls got tadpoles from Lincoln Park and brought them home. Which was fine...until the bullfrogs kept the girls awake every night and they weren't quite so thrilled then. But I've been passing the pool thinking I'd like to have frogs in there again. Tonight, when I turned on the rope lights around the patio, at the precise moment I plugged it in, I heard a bullfrog in my pool. Kinda a funny WTF moment for me. I have no idea where this frog came from. It's been 100+ heat indices all week, no rain in forever, and yet...I now have a bullfrog. He made an excellent totem for tonight, I think.

I got confirmation that my mid-week ritual work...worked. I simply trusted that it would, yet it was nice to get the confirmation tonight. Even if it freaked out a few people. Not that I was asking for confirmation, either. I appreciate those who let me know.

Where Things Stand (the Weekly Wrap-Up)

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:09:23 GMT

***To the left, four of the baby blankets I mentioned earlier. Aren't they sweet?***

This week has been full of crazy, and I'm really annoyed at all the DRAMA that's been dropped on my doorstep all week. None of it's my doing but if someone could possibly go off the deep end, get irritated at nothing, see monsters in the wrong places, or become textbook cases of displacement, well, this was the week for it.

This includes four family and work dramas, of varying degrees, that have me flustered. These are NOT my fights (not my problems), but people just insist on pulling me in or getting mad at me when I won't tell them what they want to hear. I really hate it when people are in the midst of personal confrontations and decide to get other people involved, as in, oh, look, Lorna's working quietly and productively over there so let's go mess up her day, too!

- Maybe it's the heat. It's just too hot to do anything (105 heat index here today). The cable employee didn't want to drive an extra 20 miles to my house at the end of the day--within the mandatory time by State law--to mark the underground cables so we could dig the new well last week, so it'll be Monday before my yard has water again. Meanwhile, everything's withering. Including me. It's just too hot to go outside more than a few minutes. Thankfully, I have a hose and sprinklers, but that's really not enough. As you might have guessed, I've postponed getting the hot tub....

- Then again, it could be the economy, too. I've had several people missing checks, packages, etc this week, and in every case, it's been a matter of the message not getting through to me or giving me a wrong email or phone number, but they immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was deceiving them. They were all a bit anxious about their financial situations. And then, there are the businesses who have passed along their economic woes, like New Leaf, Lenny's, etc.

- I've had to deliver some bad news myself. A lot of big decisions this week, personal and professional ones. None fun. So far, everyone's pretending they haven't gotten the message or at least not acknowledging the message.

- Stalkers have been out en masse. One local man found my picture online this week--a professional pic, mind you--and has been sending me weird messages. I dropped a potential romantic interest because he was turning into a stalker with his 50-texts a day asking where I am and not understanding when I told him to GO AWAY.    And all that happened between the time he suggested we go out and the time of what would have been our first date.

- The day job has been...meh. Okay.    Actually, I've performed exceptionally well, given lots of great advice, and been on an even keel with all my assignments. That includes some really big dollar assignments, high visibility. Come to think of it, work's been just fine this week, but just somewhat dull. I'm thankful for that!!!

- Aislinn got laid off after a year at her job at the sandwich shoppe, thanks to the economy. She has another job lined up, I think, but she won't start it until after the Ft. Lauderdale trip. But she got her driver's license in her downtime this week. (Xanax, anyone?)

- I have an impromptu trip coming up that I'll have to take off a day or two from work for. Just learned of this last night. Along the way, I'm going to get to meet two nieces of mine for the first time! Very excited about that.

- Sick friends. A dear friend is ill and I'm worried about her. Two more have just had elective surgery. Several colleagues have been out with a virus this week. All of them are feeling a bit annoyed, too, with being sick!

- I did start putting together the pics for my "wall of adventure" but it made me sad in many ways. Going back through my old photo albums, there were tons of pics of places, of the girls, of my ex with the girls. But there were only maybe a dozen of me, and almost all of those were taken on non-family trips, by other people, like in London, under the redwoods, at the RiverWalk, with the wolves, with a missile or two. I'm happy that both my daughters are photographers now.

- A minor project netted me $200 this week. I've decided all future income from that project will go to a fund for a special trip I want to make next year.

- Projects...yeah. Okay, they're moving forward but it's been at a snail's pace. Not enough to make me pleased. I spent several days re-editing a project I thought I'd already edited but couldn't find.   Yesterday, as I had just finished up the edit process, I found the previously edited version, which, funnily enough was almost word for word. But I wasted that time, and I blame all the distractions of this week.

- It's taken Shannon about three times longer than I think she (or I) ever dreamed it would take to finish the kitchen, but it's within an hour or two of being done. (That will be part of next week's many good accomplishments, yay!)   She's done a lot of extra touches though, like the imprints.
And when the lights are on, there's a wonderful and warm glow to the whole room. Still, I'll be very glad when it's done so I won't feel I'm living in a construction zone.

In summary, last week was one of those weeks where everybody else's craziness pulled my attention away from where it needed to be--on getting my stuff taken care of (including projects, family, spiritual pursuits, health, work, etc). I find that frustrating but I'm focusing now of how good this week is becoming. I don't like other people's drama messing with my serenity, and I'm reclaiming that now. The more I'm away from it, the easier it is with a little distance to not get pulled in and to just let other people spin in their own orbits while I return to my happy spot.

I'm close to that again right now. Candles burning, incense in the house, putting up pics of loved ones in the dining room. It's cool inside, the water's going outside, music's on, cut flowers on the table, and my house energy is lightening up.

Most Profound Question Ever

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:50:27 GMT

Sharyn sent me this little Law of Attraction video--it's great!

http://www.lawofattractioninteraction.com/video/The_Most_Profound_Q.html

Too Happy to Be True

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:45:26 GMT

I was thinking of a couple of people I know who always seem "too happy
to be true." Yes, happiness is an attitude, not the circumstances
you're in and in spite of some horrific things I've dealt with this past
year, it's also been the happiest of my life.

But back to the "too happy" people. Some of them, I've gotten to know a
lot better recently and I've discovered that their happiness truly is
happiness. No faking it. So I've figured out the reason I didn't
believe them.

I've also been around a lot of people in the past who "put on a happy
face" in public. Not to act happy so that they'd eventually fall into
that mindset, but for the image. I've had a lot of people in my life
who were oh-so-happy to the general public but those of us closest to
them knew how miserable and negative they were.

I'm very thankful now that the happy people in my life really are happy
and not just pretending so they'll be thought of in a certain way.

Running to Stand Still (apologies to U2)

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 02:49:28 GMT

The Good News! I approved the hard copy proof of the sub-boy book tonight and ordered the first print run. Finally! That means it'll be available on Amazon and at any bookstore in a few days. It took forever to get the glitches worked out but I'm quite happy with it now. And of course, the cover is luscious.

The Bad News is, I feel like a complete and utter sloth. For the usual reasons--not getting enough done. Most of my projects are sitting where they were a week ago, thanks a whole series of web glitches and then the electricians taking over my home office. Though I got a ton of housework finished. Little bit bogged down. It's been helpful to post graphics because that lets me "see" some progress instead of seeing the holes in what I want to have completed.

But my day job is much better this week, with the exception of the all-day meeting I have to sit in on tomorrow for a half-billion-dollar buy. This is the easy part though--getting to this point was grueling. I'm planning to spend the next week doing inspections, and hopefully get a Friday off for a personal trip out of State.

I feel like I'm wrapping up a lot of "old stuff" and stuff that should have been taken care of long ago. The electricians' work indoors is done, still have to call Mike about tearing out the ceiling where the roof leaked, the kitchen is almost painted, etc. Even getting the doorbell fixed after forever! I also got my broken tooth fixed and finished today, so I'm thrilled about that.

Speaking of which, I felt blah when I got home from the dentist so I took a nap while Aislinn held all my calls for me. AND--this is the sweet part--she made homemade chicken soup FROM SCRATCH for me for dinner. Isn't that sweet?!

Good Stuff

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:58:01 GMT

http://www.storybroads.com/2009/06/sum-sum-summertime-maggie.html

I love this post of Maggie's. Most people see this whole Pollyanna-to-the-point-of-Lobotomy thing she's got going and think her life is just perfect. They don't know the bad stuff she's also had to deal with. Every now and then, she'll mention it as she did in this post, just to show you that being happy is not about having a "perfect" life. Read it all the way through.

To Whom It May Concern (you know who you are)

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:17:13 GMT

I’m stating this publicly so that there’ll be less chance you’ll misconstrue my words and because this is the forum you’ve used to contact me most recently.

I promised that I would not respond to you, and in the past 8 months, I’ve kept that promise. In exchange, I was promised that you would leave me alone and not contact or harass me again. I’m breaking that promise now to tell you this, just once:

DO NOT send me any more emails to an email address I did not share with you.

DO NOT call my private cell phone again (a number I did not share with you). Making one hang-up call after another for hours on end and keeping my child up after her bedtime is harassment, any way you cut it.

DO NOT have a third party call repeatedly while you’re waiting unannounced on a conference call.

DO NOT text me again and especially not repeatedly.

DO NOT post any more anonymous comments to my journal (or any other forum) in response to posts about my life and my insights.

DO NOT join other networks and forums I’m a member of just to stalk me.

DO NOT try again to “friend” me on social networks.

DO NOT IM me again under someone else's account.

DO NOT email me again under someone else's account.

DO NOT call my home phone, even if it's just to hang up.

DO NOT automatically assume that everything is about YOU. I’ve had over 3000 public articles online over the past 5 years and 99.9% (that includes this post, if you’re doing the math) have nothing to do with you. Some of your assumptions have been hilarious, especially when the person’s real identity was in the next sentence and known to my friends and family, who are the readers here I care about. The reason you can read things into those articles is because you are LOOKING for anything that you can apply, even on the smallest level, to YOU, and in the worst possible way you can apply it. It may be a blow to your ego, but really, most people don’t lie awake at night looking for ways to make your life (or anyone else’s) miserable—they’re too busy with their own lives. Half the time you think they’re doing something on purpose, but they don’t even remember you exist. The sad truth you'll realize eventually is that almost nothing anyone does is about YOU.

This is the only response you will get from me.

That Decision Thing...Still

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:46:07 GMT

Just to update, I did notify the guy as well as the others involved that we were a no-go on the plans, at least for now. I haven't heard back and I can't say I have any sense of relief from the decision. My feeling is basically...."Meh."

Bizarre how....

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:07:21 GMT

people sometimes show up out of the blue here, read one post, and think everything is about them, leaving anonymous comments implying just that. Or try to twist my words into something I actually had not considered in the context suggested and then demand an apology.

Many of us here are haunted by abusers from the past, both alive and dead. That's the fundamental purpose of my journal--dealing and healing among my close family and friends. Many of us deal with those energies popping up unexpectedly for us to deal with--just as I referred to in a private post about a woman who was neglecting her child and then its startling effect on me in a non-private post.

I do rather frequently get people writing to me that I'm talking about their lives in my articles when I describe dysfunctional families and childhood abuse. These are always strangers or distant acquaintances. They don't really mean that I'm talking about their lives, just that it feels like that. Most people tend to identify immediately with the victim.

I can get on my soapbox again about universality but I have to get to the office.